It’s a dream, and it’s going to come true. My dream is climb to the top of the world, become rich an well known and bring all my good friends and family with me. Its to ensure everyone who stayed with me all these years get what they deserve, to be on top of the world with me. My mind wants you to get nothing, and the other half of me is starting to agree. I thought you would be friends with me; good friends with me till the end. We even told each other that no matter what happens, we would still be good friends. Look at us now, each time I see you name, my smile turns into a frown, my mind clouds with fog on what did I do wrong and made you feel that I’m no good and I was a creeper. Sure I do things out of the ordinary but its what makes me who I am. When you sent that last email it was like taking my heart as a souvenir, or taking it and putting it into a diamond cut shredder, and shredding it into a million tiny little pieces. After that day I never felt the same, it was all like everything fell apart. I bounced back from another friendship with a weak system and yes I admit I was clingy and I acted like a little kid, but you never told me you didn’t like it, you never told me that you felt uncomfortable so I just kept pushing and pursuing. Pursuing information for knowledge, knowledge that can help you accept who you are and stop fucking bitching about it. I thought you liked all of it, all the memories and all of the fun. I had a blast. But it’s all gone. My weak support system, fragile heart is all gone. I don’t want to meet new people, I don’t want to meet new people because I might find them so cool like you where I would use all my resources till its gone. I really thought there was something. No its not homo at all but It hurts. Everything hurts. I can’t think clearly, and every time I see something, or pass by something, because we went all over the world, I get deeply depressed. I know how to suppress my feelings but its been going on too long, I throw on a fake face for everyone because I don’t know who to talk to about it. There’s only one person I told but it was over the phone, he has always been there for me but never in person. Maybe soon we will get to hang out more. The thing is it’s built into me so much to do what I was used to doing, but I can’t detach myself from it nor can I detach my self from it. It hurts to see your name, but I wonder when you’re going to sign on so I can know your safe. I don’t know what to do anymore. Currently it still hurts to live. What will happen?
I can’t end it, not yet at least, I still have to get to the top of the world and bring people who have been there for me to the top. It’s what keeps me going.
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