lonely

my brain hurts and no its not this stupid finals thing that is going on. everyone has this best friend, someone they can rely on, share ever damn secret each other has. what happened, who wronged you, who did it? Its one of those things I thought I had. I have cycled through so many friends, good friends and best friends, and its not that I'm a bad friend, am I? I have school, I have people who I think of as friends, a loving family, cousins included but why does it feel like I'm drowning in everything? Im afraid to tell those that don't know in anticipation they'll leave or laugh about me. Its one of the worst feelings in the world. not being able to tell anyone, to drown in a sea of thoughts, and slowly everyday I drown more.

how long has it been?

I haven't blogged in a while, maybe its a good time now. School unemployment and friends are all factors that make me really sad. Not having a job and running out of money is not the business, and class omg I'm so sick of school everything is happening to fast. Just last year I was starting college and now I am already going to apply to transfer its like everything is going to move faster and faster now and I can't seem to keep up no matter what I try, maybe I just need to step up my game tho. I can't run, I can barely walk, chasing this seems difficult. Is it bad that I can't seem to hold a stable friendship with anyone? Maybe I should just go mia and dissapear for now. I sorta want to too. I don't like being ignored and I don't like the cold shoulder, I don't like being there and being ignored, I'm a picky person and yes I admit it I hate it but that's how I roll, something is up straight up tell me, I don't like stuff hidden I tell everyone everything to make sure there are no obstacles, I try to ask all my friends to do the same.


"The average person tells 4 lies a day,1460 a year; a total of 87,600 by the age of 60, and the most commin lie is: I'm fine."

disbelief

Its been over a year and a half and I still feel this pain that bothers me. Its not a physical pain...well thinking of it makes mi heart hurt but its a hella deeply etched mental pain I can't seem to over come. And then you have that one friend that says he will has your back whenever you need but when you need them they are never there. What gives? Sigh I talked about it slightly with other friends but everyone says over time it will get better. Not really or maybe more time? Its consuming me but well see sometime soon

intelligence

grades never determined intelligence does it? i hate how everything is tied to how much you have to suck up to the teacher to do well, how you cant just learn what you need to know. i always hated school and it sucks where i am now but i never liked school. currently im lost. i dont know what to do anymore. take a class? mess up? drop out? what happens when i transfer and cant transfer because my grade sucks? nothing is based on pure skill and intelligence anymore. it based on how well you do in school and what good school you went to. google only hires from the best. uc berkeley, stanford, yale, etc etc. so to normal person who has the knowledge to do bigger and better things than a person who went to stanford, why is the stupid good school kid chosen over you? they dont have the skill available to do the thing you were ment to do, they just have a good school name tied to their resume. its because this world is fucked up. maybe thats why i'm lost. again and again.

messed up

somethings messed up yano?

phase

phase... am i using it correctly? Either way it sounds good. Its 1am right now and there was super heavy rain. it phased me for a second or maybe i dawned on what had happened before, would it be that i be somewhere better had i not made better choices or maybe it will all end up the same way anyways? well whatever just wanted to get my feelings out, and somehow find a way to recover. funny thing is i dont even think its depression, maybe its a phase i need to move out of and find something to take my mind of. thing is what is it? what do i need to do to get out of this phase? to not let it phase me anymore.... its been hurting.

love anyone?

maybe all my blog posts are about me complaining about whats wrong with my life, i try to outlook but it doesn't work. i haven't felt this bad in a while, maybe what i did wrong before was getting to attached, and its true. i find myself or maybe its more i fear of being lonely. ive had many close friends leave me and it seems likely the reason. i look everywhere there are all these best friend relationship and friends who hang out all the time rather than hype then after its over it declines to a oh i havent talked to you in a while. and then theres the relationships. sometimes i feel so bad, i never had the experience, is it because im just a friend? or do i look bad to go out with? well who knows the reason but it always feels like there is something missing. they are always there for you, help you overcome your problems and stay with you through thick and thin. be your guardian angel and you be theirs. but i never dated anyone, bothered to be heartbroken, went through the trouble and happiness of all the times a couple spend together. an empty void that hurts me. everyone always complains oh my girlfriend/boyfriend is so annoying me, she/hes being so stupid or whatever. i take a second to think and all the time i always want to tell them. "your so lucky you at least have someone you can talk to all the time, laugh with and just be there for you" as my philosophy teacher says "falling in love is just reminding your self that you can actually love" first of all how does that feel? im always reminded that im lonely when i go out, especially working. everyone is either married or has a kid and a boyfriend or married and have a boyfriend. and guests that come by thats even worse. pda everywhere and their always like "no theres someone else". sigh guess being this way will suffice. im going to learn how to dance tho. its a passion and watching people enjoy dancing and entertaining people, now its a good feeeeling. to dance away emotions, to release the burdens and embrace happiness like no other. thats how i want to feel.

will work for love - Usher